Office Space

category: Humor
by Kamael,

As I firmly dig my heels into 2008, I realized that 2007 was a significant milestone for one reason: it marked my 10th year anniversary of being in the workforce (I maintain bschool was work). I want to take a moment and thank the role models I encountered over the last 10 years - they have all immensely impacted my career and drive to succeed in this dog eat dog world of business.

In no particular order, here they are:

Ms. V-Neck: She is the master persuader. We all know men get distracted by the v-neck and don’t pay attention in meetings. They want to look, but can’t look, but just looked and now must spend the rest of the meeting looking down. But she distracts women as well. I have spent hours sitting across Ms. V-Neck wondering which Victoria Secret bra she is wearing. Is it the Angel? Cuz that one did nothing for me. Is it Wonderbra? Maybe she is wearing the chicken cutlets and, if so, how did she get them to give her so much cleavage? They can’t possibly be real…can they? One hour later, I have managed to turn over 10% of my budget to Ms.V-Neck for a project with a 98% failure rate. Thanks for distracting me to failure, Ms. V-Neck.

Mr. Yes Man: He is unbelievably enthusiastic about a desk job. It’s not because he believes in the product or company vision. It is because he is going to quit. And he doesn’t care. He says yes to everything and even goes as far as putting together spreadsheets and powerpoints to show his enthusiasm. He takes the hardest tasks on the action items list. And then they get delegated to you. He sticks around for months after you just got hired so he can collect his bonus and spreads the Yes love to everyone. And then he leaves skid marks with his exit. Thanks for making me bitter, Mr. Yes Man.

Ms Fidget: It’s so hard to know when to shut up in meetings or if what you said was well received. We have all looked to Ms. Fidget for guidance. If she squirms alot, she is trying to stay awake. If she twitches while you talk, then you know your point is terrible or vague. But Miss Fidget isn’t listening to you. She has gas and is trying not to let one rip. It’s not about you. It’s about the extra helping of broccoli she had for lunch. Thanks for always sitting in front of me, Ms. Fidget.

Mr. Laptop: Usually the techie in the meeting, Mr. Laptop brings his computer into every meeting and constantly looks down typing furiously. You let him do this because he is the technical genius in the room and must be coding, right? You are just so glad to have his expert presence. But we all know that developers code at midnight and in rooms full of twinkie snacks with little ventilation. Mr. Laptop is not listening to you. He thinks all business people are stupid and you especially. He is writing version 4 of an email to some hot girl he wants to date but has no chance with. He is animating his match.com profile to get that edge over the other dudes. He is the next Master Online Pick-Up Artist. And you’re a dumb business person. Thanks for belittling me, Mr. Laptop.

There are so many more that I have to thank - every day at work is a new learning experience for me. But I couldn’t have made it to where I am today - overworked and underpaid - if it wasn’t for these folks.

Thank You.

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